There is nothing worse than waking up with a miserable feeling in the pit of your stomach that you just can not shake. You know the kind, the one you used to get in the pit of your stomach when you were young and knew you were going to get in trouble or grounded, yeah that kind of balled up nastiness that sits in your stomach. Well thanks to a dream about my ex that is what I was lucky enough to wake up to this morning and there is nothing worse to me than waking up to that feeling because it's so hard to shake...especially when you're not sure why it's there. The dream that I had was very quick and brief and it was just me myspacing (ha! go figure) and I came across a bulletin from him talking about an upcoming concert that he'd be attending and his default photo was him with the ticket cheesing. Now that might not sound horrible to you but the horrible part is that I dreamed about him at all because then my mind gets to wandering and for the life of me I couldn't shake it and go back to sleep. Hence the fact that I am blogging at 8:30 in the morning and I didn't even go to bed until around 4:00am, blah. After the dream I was thinking of how he DID say he wanted to go to a concert yet how he always complains that he has no money and still doesn't pay me child support (to those of you wondering, yes I've filed, no we haven't gone to court yet), I began thinking about how he typically calls to talk to our daughter and check on her every day yet magically on my birthday yesterday (and his day off) he didn't call at all. I did get a generic "happy birthday" text message but then again I do not know what I expected from him at this point either. Then with all these thoughts of HIM consuming my mind I couldn't go back to sleep so I got up, got on the computer and logged into my myspace account. Of course there has to be his photo on my home screen right there notifying me that his birthday is up and coming (THANKS A LOT MYSPACE, I KNOW THIS! hahaha) so yet again, I couldn't distract myself. I caught myself clicking on his page and viewing it, the stomach sank again, he'd been on myspace yesterday, on my birthday. Now you're probably thinking "who cares, he got on his myspace, I get on everyday" or something along those lines right? well the reason my stomach sank is because he NEVER gets on. Why he even decided to get and keep a myspace page is beyond me to begin with but that's not enough stomach turning for me, I have to be nosy and see if he has any new comments or friends. No new comments, okay good, new friends...and there it was a new friend added, a girl he knows through me...we'll call her Casey. Now when me and my husband split up I figured his brother or his best friend would try to set him up with girls but the part that makes me the angriest is that his best friend is dating my family member, that I introduced him to and well Casey, now that is her best friend. So I feel some sort of betrayl going on here, maybe it's innocent since Casey is married but then again she's unhappily married, maybe it's nothing because she has an infant and is indeed pregnant again...I dont know. I don't even know why I care, I don't even know why he and his actions can still know my stomach up into a big huge ball and make me feel sick. What I really don't know is how to let him go and deattach myself emotionally from him and whatever he does that doesn't directly affect me or our daughter. There is so much history, emotion, good and bad times with this man and after eight years together, I do not know how to shake him. I'm ready to move on, I know this or I'd have never left in the first place but it's how do I actually move on that I don't yet understand, not emotionally at least. So I leave you with a quote that speaks to me "you'll never leave where you are until you decided where you'd rather be". Until next time....
-The young divorcee
