looking up...

So life is totally a roller coaster, one minute you're up and the next you can be down. Heck, I think even the saying "life is like a roller coaster" is putting it mildly, I like roller coasters for crying out loud but the highs and lows of life, ehhh not so much. Things have been looking up lately, I finally got a job, not a great job but a job none the less. I am a cashier at a local retail store here where I live and the people is nice and just being among other adults is nice. Sometimes this single mom thing has me feeling like I am going crazy because I literally never get a break until the weekend hits and then it's back to reality before I know it. I love my daughter with all of my heart and really do give her credit for me being as strong as I have been through this and getting to where I am at with school and so on but sometimes I find myself really hoping that this single mom thing doesn't put a strain on our relationship. I have to constantly take a breather and remind myself that this is tough, no one said it was going to be easy, I knew what I was signing up for leaving her dad and it's so not her fault and when I am having a hard day, that needs to stay at the door. I don't ever want to be rigid with my baby because I am going through so much, it's a constant battle to remind myself that when I am with her, I need to be upbeat and positive. Life is a game and it's no fair as Rhianna would say, too bad I am not a rule breaker and DO care....hmm sometimes I think life would be easier if I didn't give a fuck but then I just wouldn't be me if that was the case. I got a call yesterday for a job interview doing makeup here where I live and I am so so stoked, I wanted this job and actually put in for it before I'd even applied where I am working now. Guess things work themselves out, this job would be amazing for two facts: benefits for even part timers and weekly pay, heck yes. I feel very confident about this, lets just hope this confidence pays off, everything happens for a reason I must reassure myself. Along with the good call came a bad one, isn't that life though? my ex got laid off of work. Id like to say this was a shock, that I was mad or upset but nope, I'd seen this coming since before our separation happened. I'd like to feel bad for him and help him but I truly do think that is his problem, I've always (and I do mean always) been there to bail him out, get him another job by calling on family favors, it's just been too damn easy. He can figure this one out on his own, I think it's funny that how I was a "dead beat mom" for the simple fact that I didn't have a job and now I have one (and have had two job offers since working) and he now has no job and no job offers. Funny how Karma can really work in one's favor if you take the high road, don't get nasty back and keep your head up high. I really owe a lot to my two amazing best friends (they know who they are) it's been tough to keep my head up and stay positive but with friends like them in life it makes things that much easier. I really do not have a lot of people I love and trust but that's okay because I would so rather have a handful of the most amazing people on earth who I know love me and have my back 100% then an assload of shitty friends. Funny how things like that change when you get older, you see things so differently. I have just been feeling a lot like the old me again which is such nice change of pace, now that I am regaining myself I see just how down I was, how depressed and just how low the ex had me. It's funny the ability we give people to hurt us, in reality it's ourselves that let them do that to us. I do not know why it took me so long to break away, and maybe the reason we were drawn back to one another for all those years was for the sole purpose that my daughter was meant to be on this earth, meant to be a part of me and like a friend told me, I'm lucky because I got the best piece of her father. I just for the longest time couldn't imagine me all by myself leading the life I wanted to lead, but now I know I can do it, it'll take more time granted but it'll be so much more fulfilling to know I did this alone. Everyday is different, somedays are easier than others but I am living life for no one other than my daughter and myself and that feels so good. It's hard doing it all on my own, sometimes I want to escape just for a bit but I am doing it, all alone no less and god dammit it feels so good. So till next time, peace.

-the young divorcee

the feeling...

There is nothing worse than waking up with a miserable feeling in the pit of your stomach that you just can not shake. You know the kind, the one you used to get in the pit of your stomach when you were young and knew you were going to get in trouble or grounded, yeah that kind of balled up nastiness that sits in your stomach. Well thanks to a dream about my ex that is what I was lucky enough to wake up to this morning and there is nothing worse to me than waking up to that feeling because it's so hard to shake...especially when you're not sure why it's there. The dream that I had was very quick and brief and it was just me myspacing (ha! go figure) and I came across a bulletin from him talking about an upcoming concert that he'd be attending and his default photo was him with the ticket cheesing. Now that might not sound horrible to you but the horrible part is that I dreamed about him at all because then my mind gets to wandering and for the life of me I couldn't shake it and go back to sleep. Hence the fact that I am blogging at 8:30 in the morning and I didn't even go to bed until around 4:00am, blah. After the dream I was thinking of how he DID say he wanted to go to a concert yet how he always complains that he has no money and still doesn't pay me child support (to those of you wondering, yes I've filed, no we haven't gone to court yet), I began thinking about how he typically calls to talk to our daughter and check on her every day yet magically on my birthday yesterday (and his day off) he didn't call at all. I did get a generic "happy birthday" text message but then again I do not know what I expected from him at this point either. Then with all these thoughts of HIM consuming my mind I couldn't go back to sleep so I got up, got on the computer and logged into my myspace account. Of course there has to be his photo on my home screen right there notifying me that his birthday is up and coming (THANKS A LOT MYSPACE, I KNOW THIS! hahaha) so yet again, I couldn't distract myself. I caught myself clicking on his page and viewing it, the stomach sank again, he'd been on myspace yesterday, on my birthday. Now you're probably thinking "who cares, he got on his myspace, I get on everyday" or something along those lines right? well the reason my stomach sank is because he NEVER gets on. Why he even decided to get and keep a myspace page is beyond me to begin with but that's not enough stomach turning for me, I have to be nosy and see if he has any new comments or friends. No new comments, okay good, new friends...and there it was a new friend added, a girl he knows through me...we'll call her Casey. Now when me and my husband split up I figured his brother or his best friend would try to set him up with girls but the part that makes me the angriest is that his best friend is dating my family member, that I introduced him to and well Casey, now that is her best friend. So I feel some sort of betrayl going on here, maybe it's innocent since Casey is married but then again she's unhappily married, maybe it's nothing because she has an infant and is indeed pregnant again...I dont know. I don't even know why I care, I don't even know why he and his actions can still know my stomach up into a big huge ball and make me feel sick. What I really don't know is how to let him go and deattach myself emotionally from him and whatever he does that doesn't directly affect me or our daughter. There is so much history, emotion, good and bad times with this man and after eight years together, I do not know how to shake him. I'm ready to move on, I know this or I'd have never left in the first place but it's how do I actually move on that I don't yet understand, not emotionally at least. So I leave you with a quote that speaks to me "you'll never leave where you are until you decided where you'd rather be". Until next time....

-The young divorcee

waking up...

Today I woke up in a good mood, I've recently got back in touch with two different men from my past. I had thought about them all night and the good memories we had shared, and I am not even going to try to deny that I am in desperate need of tender loving care. With everything that is going on in my life I know that I do not need to dive into a relationship nor do I even desire one at the moment but a fling-perhaps. Getting in touch with these men has brought out dormant feelings, it made me feel desired and attractive again, I felt that naughty side of me want to come out. I keep fighting with myself on this subject, on one hand I see nothing wrong with flirting, going on the occasional harmless date and maybe, just maybe a bit more (hey! I am human after all). On the other hand I feel like I just got out of a marriage, I struggle with trying to be a good mother yet still fulfill myself apart from being simply a mom and I know my heart still has strings attached to my ex. Admitting that is hard, I try my best to walk around like I am fine and things don't really get to me but it's when I am by myself and my daughter lies next to me asleep that I end up breaking down, that's when my mind floods with every thought possible and I cry. Maybe that's the reason I woke up so happy today, my mind was dancing with visions of memories past that were fun and careless, better times in my life as opposed to having thoughts of my ex, the divorce and what this divorce could possibly do to my daughter. Perhaps these men are nothing more than passing amusements to fill that void that I am desperately trying to fill, nothing emotional, I am at the moment craving something more physical. Does this make me a bad person? I'd like to think no but yet again, it's something I wonder to myself. These men know about my past, they know what I am going through, they're both great guys and I guess because they are from my past it feels a bit safer than trying to start something new with someone who doesn't know where my head and heart are currently at. Honestly it's kind of scary thinking about putting myself out there not to mention all my baggage that come with me, in a way I feel because of my age and the fact that I am so young men might view me as damaged goods. My friends (who are wonderful) reassure me that this is not so and that the "right" man won't think these things...get why they're so wonderful now? but I still wonder to myself if that is simply their optimism or if perhaps there is some truth to that. I hope there is truth to that. Either way, these men have made me feel good again, even if it is for a bit and to me that is something special because for however long this lasts at least it got my mind off of things for a bit. Life is hard, divorce is hard, being a single mom is hard and all I want is to find time to make myself happy, not me as a divorced woman, not me as a single mother but me and me alone...the real me who few people actually know. I need to find that girl again and if these men are helping me do that then they're doing me a bigger favor in the long run than they'll probably ever know! funny how a few phone calls and emails can make a girls heart flutter when I haven't felt something like that in what seems to be forever. So until next time I leave you with these last words, a quote by Bob Marley that I think about often "live the life you love, love the life you live".

-the young divorcee