looking up...

So life is totally a roller coaster, one minute you're up and the next you can be down. Heck, I think even the saying "life is like a roller coaster" is putting it mildly, I like roller coasters for crying out loud but the highs and lows of life, ehhh not so much. Things have been looking up lately, I finally got a job, not a great job but a job none the less. I am a cashier at a local retail store here where I live and the people is nice and just being among other adults is nice. Sometimes this single mom thing has me feeling like I am going crazy because I literally never get a break until the weekend hits and then it's back to reality before I know it. I love my daughter with all of my heart and really do give her credit for me being as strong as I have been through this and getting to where I am at with school and so on but sometimes I find myself really hoping that this single mom thing doesn't put a strain on our relationship. I have to constantly take a breather and remind myself that this is tough, no one said it was going to be easy, I knew what I was signing up for leaving her dad and it's so not her fault and when I am having a hard day, that needs to stay at the door. I don't ever want to be rigid with my baby because I am going through so much, it's a constant battle to remind myself that when I am with her, I need to be upbeat and positive. Life is a game and it's no fair as Rhianna would say, too bad I am not a rule breaker and DO care....hmm sometimes I think life would be easier if I didn't give a fuck but then I just wouldn't be me if that was the case. I got a call yesterday for a job interview doing makeup here where I live and I am so so stoked, I wanted this job and actually put in for it before I'd even applied where I am working now. Guess things work themselves out, this job would be amazing for two facts: benefits for even part timers and weekly pay, heck yes. I feel very confident about this, lets just hope this confidence pays off, everything happens for a reason I must reassure myself. Along with the good call came a bad one, isn't that life though? my ex got laid off of work. Id like to say this was a shock, that I was mad or upset but nope, I'd seen this coming since before our separation happened. I'd like to feel bad for him and help him but I truly do think that is his problem, I've always (and I do mean always) been there to bail him out, get him another job by calling on family favors, it's just been too damn easy. He can figure this one out on his own, I think it's funny that how I was a "dead beat mom" for the simple fact that I didn't have a job and now I have one (and have had two job offers since working) and he now has no job and no job offers. Funny how Karma can really work in one's favor if you take the high road, don't get nasty back and keep your head up high. I really owe a lot to my two amazing best friends (they know who they are) it's been tough to keep my head up and stay positive but with friends like them in life it makes things that much easier. I really do not have a lot of people I love and trust but that's okay because I would so rather have a handful of the most amazing people on earth who I know love me and have my back 100% then an assload of shitty friends. Funny how things like that change when you get older, you see things so differently. I have just been feeling a lot like the old me again which is such nice change of pace, now that I am regaining myself I see just how down I was, how depressed and just how low the ex had me. It's funny the ability we give people to hurt us, in reality it's ourselves that let them do that to us. I do not know why it took me so long to break away, and maybe the reason we were drawn back to one another for all those years was for the sole purpose that my daughter was meant to be on this earth, meant to be a part of me and like a friend told me, I'm lucky because I got the best piece of her father. I just for the longest time couldn't imagine me all by myself leading the life I wanted to lead, but now I know I can do it, it'll take more time granted but it'll be so much more fulfilling to know I did this alone. Everyday is different, somedays are easier than others but I am living life for no one other than my daughter and myself and that feels so good. It's hard doing it all on my own, sometimes I want to escape just for a bit but I am doing it, all alone no less and god dammit it feels so good. So till next time, peace.

-the young divorcee