waking up...

Today I woke up in a good mood, I've recently got back in touch with two different men from my past. I had thought about them all night and the good memories we had shared, and I am not even going to try to deny that I am in desperate need of tender loving care. With everything that is going on in my life I know that I do not need to dive into a relationship nor do I even desire one at the moment but a fling-perhaps. Getting in touch with these men has brought out dormant feelings, it made me feel desired and attractive again, I felt that naughty side of me want to come out. I keep fighting with myself on this subject, on one hand I see nothing wrong with flirting, going on the occasional harmless date and maybe, just maybe a bit more (hey! I am human after all). On the other hand I feel like I just got out of a marriage, I struggle with trying to be a good mother yet still fulfill myself apart from being simply a mom and I know my heart still has strings attached to my ex. Admitting that is hard, I try my best to walk around like I am fine and things don't really get to me but it's when I am by myself and my daughter lies next to me asleep that I end up breaking down, that's when my mind floods with every thought possible and I cry. Maybe that's the reason I woke up so happy today, my mind was dancing with visions of memories past that were fun and careless, better times in my life as opposed to having thoughts of my ex, the divorce and what this divorce could possibly do to my daughter. Perhaps these men are nothing more than passing amusements to fill that void that I am desperately trying to fill, nothing emotional, I am at the moment craving something more physical. Does this make me a bad person? I'd like to think no but yet again, it's something I wonder to myself. These men know about my past, they know what I am going through, they're both great guys and I guess because they are from my past it feels a bit safer than trying to start something new with someone who doesn't know where my head and heart are currently at. Honestly it's kind of scary thinking about putting myself out there not to mention all my baggage that come with me, in a way I feel because of my age and the fact that I am so young men might view me as damaged goods. My friends (who are wonderful) reassure me that this is not so and that the "right" man won't think these things...get why they're so wonderful now? but I still wonder to myself if that is simply their optimism or if perhaps there is some truth to that. I hope there is truth to that. Either way, these men have made me feel good again, even if it is for a bit and to me that is something special because for however long this lasts at least it got my mind off of things for a bit. Life is hard, divorce is hard, being a single mom is hard and all I want is to find time to make myself happy, not me as a divorced woman, not me as a single mother but me and me alone...the real me who few people actually know. I need to find that girl again and if these men are helping me do that then they're doing me a bigger favor in the long run than they'll probably ever know! funny how a few phone calls and emails can make a girls heart flutter when I haven't felt something like that in what seems to be forever. So until next time I leave you with these last words, a quote by Bob Marley that I think about often "live the life you love, love the life you live".

-the young divorcee